Friday, December 31, 2010

New Years Resolutions Part II

I've had some time to think further about my resolutions for 2011. I was also inspired by many of the thoughts and comments that others contributed to the prior post. Given that we're a few hours away from the New Year, here are my remaining resolutions -

1. I will continue to preach the gospel regarding the magic of brazilian waxes. I will also try bang a brazilian who has a brazilian wax, just to cross that one off my bucket list.

2. I will sleep more

3. The United States is in the minority of countries where people are not at least bilingual. To do my part to change that, I will try to become conversational in a second language this year.

4. During these economic times, charitable organizations are more necessary and needed than ever, but also have less funding due to donations drying up. I will be more charitable to worthwhile causes in 2011 than I was in 2010.

5. I will be more environmentally conscious in 2011, starting with my 'no latex' pledge.

P.S. Everyone please party safely tonight. Dont drink and drive. Dont drive and text. DO drive while getting head, but NOT while you're drunk. See you in 2011.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Seasons Greetings and New Years Resolutions

Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones and best wishes for a healthy, exciting and fulfilling 2011.

My five new years resolutions (plus a bonus) thus far (the list will grow by the 1st of Jan and I hope to share as it does) -

1. To cut back on coke (interpret that however you want). Note that I am just committing to cutting back...

2. I already work out, but I resolve to regularly work out a minimum of 3 days a week, every week of 2011

3. To rant on and on (in person and via every forum available) about the stupidity of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan until every single man and woman serving their respective countries in Iraq and Afghanistan is brought home safe and sound. No more senseless deaths!

4. To make a final decision on the on again off again girlfriend situation. My cock is demanding this resolution.

5. To have more sex, more meaningless sex and more anal sex. The right decision in 4 above will be the key factor in how I do on this resolution in 2011.

6. Bonus - As for the blog in 2011, two words - Confession Sundays!

Please share your resolutions, perhaps they will inspire others as well.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Please Call me DICK

The question of the day - What in the world would make someone named Richard want to be called DICK? A "Richard" can be called richard, rick, rich, ricky, ricardo etc. But there are actually guys who pass up on all of those reasonable options and decide that they would prefer to be called DICK. A couple of good examples of this idiotic decisionmaking are Dick Cheney (very appropriately named), Dick Van Dyke (no comment!) and Dick Clark.

Am I the only one who thinks that you must be an absolute moron to want to be called DICK? I mean even if my name was Dicktholomew I wouldnt let someone call me DICK. And yet, there are actually people in the world who have a name like Richard that sounds nothing like DICK, who actually CHOOSE to be called DICK.

I know some DICKs will blame their parents for starting the use of the DICK name. Two points about that - First, what sort of ASSHOLE parents would think that it is a good idea to start calling their child DICK? Dont these parents even think about the ridicule their child named DICK will receive? Second, even if your parents were insane enough to call you DICK while you were little, the first time in your life when you realize that your name is synonymous with PENIS, why would you not IMMEDIATELY tell everyone (including your crazy ass parents) that your name is RICHARD or some 'normal' variation of it and the next person who calls you DICK will get slapped hard.

Any DICKs read the blog? Id be interested to hear your explanation (can there even possibly be one?) of how you decided that being called DICK for your entire life sounded like a great idea.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

One thing is for damn sure...

United Airlines will definitely NOT be sued for discriminating against the elderly. In fact United should be the poster child for equal opportunity hiring of the elderly, because it seems they cant find any stewardesses under 90 years old. Im pro-elderly, love my grandparents and all of that, but really??? Watching these elderly stewardesses hold their backs when they bend over to pick up a tray, walk gingerly up and down the aisles because their feet hurt and looking like they're about to pass out from standing for a two hour flight makes this look more like elderly abuse than some great hiring initiative by United. In addition, how is United not able to hire ANY stewardesses under the age of 90? I mean, I understand mixing it up, but to not be able to recruit and hire anyone under 90 seems to be very problematic.

Which leads to my next question, what happened to the hot stewardess era? When and why did it just end so abruptly? At one point, stewardesses used to be synonymous with hot women. Nowadays, stewardesses are largely synonymous with the elderly (United, Im looking at you!), gay men and the combo of the two - elderly gay men. Any hot female stewardesses read the blog? If so, please comment and renew our faith in the concept of hot stewardesses. Also, let us know which airline you're on, because it sure as hell ain't United.

Lastly, while a couple of women have commented to me that they like the gay male stewardess (Ill call them stewardesses if I want!) trend because theyre 'cute' and have 'nice butts', I've recently come to the realization that most of these gay male stewardesses are probably fucking each other during layovers. This doesn't come from watching one too many porn movies, it has become quite obvious to me just from they look each other up and down on flights. I mean we know that some of these gay stewardess layovers are probably modern day Roman bathouses, but for gods sakes can you guys stop eyeing each others asses and packages while you follow each other up and down the aisle. Show some restraint!

To recap -

1. United, hire some hot young women or at least some people under the age of 90
2. Remaining hot stewardesses, identify yourselves before you go the way of the dinosaurs
3. Gay stewardesses - tone it down, save it for the layovers and make sure you wrap it up. - chat via blog also works

Saturday, December 4, 2010

What a Wiki game to play, to make me feel this way...

Like many others, I have been following the WikiLeaks saga. I was going to hold off on writing about it until all the material was released, but can no longer hold off due to recent developments.

The WikiLeaks site has already released 842 of the 251,287 US diplomatic cables that it has in its possession. The cables released to date, while not altogether surprising, have highlighted the hypocrisy of governments around the world, particuarly the US. Hillary Clinton, who is looking more like the Secretary of Apology than the Secretary of State, is phoning world leaders like a one woman call center to do damage control and apologize after the US has embarassed itself and them.

Under the guise of national security, the US and its allies seem to be working quite aggressively to shutdown the WikiLeaks site. The site is now hosted in Switzerland [] after two US site hosting service providers shut it down under pressure from Uncle Sam. In addition, PayPal announced that it will no longer accept donations for WikiLeaks. To top it off, Julian Assange, the founder of WikiLeaks is now wanted for two sexual assaults and has been put on the Interpol list. Quite a concerted effort to stop Assange, WikiLeaks and these disclosures...hmmmm....wonder why.

Assange said in an online chat that WikiLeaks had taken steps to make sure it was not silenced, sending the diplomatic cables and other secret documents in encrypted form "to over 100,000 people" and if something happens to him or WikiLeaks, the key parts will be released automatically.

We cannot be lied to (anyone remember all the WMDs Saddam/Iraq supposedly had?) and treated like fools by our own government. Let us review the cables and make an informed decision on how honest our government and others around the world have been with us. From the looks of it thus far, not very honest.

I know there are those who say WikiLeaks is endangering us by compromising national security. The cables that have been released to date don't even come close to doing that. While I understand why there is great governmental/political interest in making sure they are not disclosed because the releases are politically embarassing and show governments around the world to be hypocritical, so far what the releases have clearly demonstrated is that our governments lie to us without any thought or fear of repercussion. Until now....

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Don't Touch My Junk Bro!

As many of you have probably already heard, the TSA has installed scanners at airports, which take virtually naked scans of you (face blurred) and send them to a TSA employee who reviews them to ensure that you're not hiding any weapons (other than the obvious one for males) under your clothes.  If you find this to be a little intrusive (imagine that!), then you have the special molestation alternative where the TSA can pat down your groin for you instead.  Even President Obama has weighed in on this issue.  

To provide you with a first hand account of the special molestation option, the following is a link to the blog of John Tyner, the man who said to the TSA - "You touch my junk and I'm going to have you arrested" (already an instant classic in my book, right after "Dont tase me dude!"), when they informed him they would be patting down his cock for him because he did not agree to the naked scan of him.

I travel.  Quite a bit.  Surprisingly, I've actually not yet been asked to go through one of the new 'violate my civil rights' scanners, I had previously thought about what I would do if I was.  My instinct was to decline to have naked pictures of me taken.  Not because I have a problem with being naked, but more so because I think this is excessive.  The reality is that between having our luggage screened twice, not carrying liquids over 3 mls, taking our shoes, belts, wallets, coins, pens, phones and putting them in bins, going through the normal scanner etc, I feel that we are doing enough to ensure our safety and the safety of others. 

I'm not convinced being photographed naked is adding much vis a vis safety, but it is taking away a lot of our privacy, our civil rights, our right to say enough is enough!  Therefore, I am making a commitment here today - I will reject the 'violate my civil rights scanner' whenever I fly - which is fairly often.  By definition, that means I will be agreeing to the special 'cock pat down' option.  I will not become an internet legend like John Tyner during that process, but I will definitely make it weird for the guy who gives me the cock patdown by asking - "did that just make us all safer"? while he does it.  I also encourage others to do the same.  Please take your travel during the thanksgiving holidays as an opportunity to join the revolution - say fuck no to the invasive naked scanners and enjoy a good free feel up by your friendly TSA agent prior to your flight home (and back) for the holidays.  

TSA, you can take naked pictures of me...but only if you get off to them.  Other than that, Dont Touch My Junk Bro!

TSA walks up to you and you had to pick, your response would be?

Monday, November 15, 2010

One tranny to go...

I always felt that the blog would have "arrived" when a number of things happened.... 

It needed someone to read it (when I started off I thought it was a real possibility that other than me and my now former friend, no one would ever read it).  Check. 

It needed people to comment and share their views (even if opposite to mine), because if they didn't I was really only talking to myself and I can do that without the blog.  Check. 

I had hoped that I could avoid long periods of 'writers block' either because I didn't have much to share or because I didn't have time to write for long periods.  Check...Kind of. 

I had hoped that the blog would 'evolve' and improve with new ideas (e.g. the voting and the chat function).  Check. 

In my wildest dreams, I had hoped that some people out there would be insane enought to visit the blog more than once and actually find it interesting enough to 'follow' the blog and be part of it.  Check (thanks to the regulars!). 

Some part of me hoped that the blog would be read by people in different countries around the world.  Thank you Belgium!  Check.

When the chat function was set up, I hoped someone would actually use it and stay around long enough for me to answer so I could learn what people love about the blog, what they hate about it, what makes them comment, how they find out about the blog etc.  The function is working, and I am easily accessible.  Check.

The blog needed a celebrity reader for it to have "arrived".  Check (as of today).  Someone famous from the lovely state of New Jersey reads the blog.

Lastly, I felt the blog would only truly be 'universal' when it had a regulary tranny reader.  Yes, a tranny.  FAIL!  Fail? Yes, FAIL!  Of all the things that could have gone wrong, the trannys around the world are boycotting the blog?!  There has to be at least one tranny in the whole world who will read the blog.  Dont let me down.

P.S. Someone cared enough to link the blog.  It's a webcam porn site.  I guess its nice to be recognized.
P.P.S.  Next person who says "jus sayin" gets slapped.  Its more than played out.  Cut it out.

Friday, November 12, 2010

On the road again...goin places where I've never been

I'm on the road again. I don't like to chat on planes, unless it's an attractive woman who plans to put out when we land (doesn't happen as often as I would like). So basically, I sit in my seat, I read, I listen to my ipod, I sleep. I don't ever acknowledge those to my left or right. I don't even look at them, because I fear they'll misunderstand and get confused into thinking I might give a fuck about what they have to say and want to talk. Well it happened. I had the can't-take-a-hint chatterbox next to me while crossing the Atlantic. I heard about his dog, his job, his mother-in-law, his shell collection, how Cathay Pacific has the best stewardesses, how they don't make cars like they used to, how his kids are so smart etc.

To which I say, how come no one INTERESTING ever sits next to you on a plane? Why is it always the most boring guy in the world who no one listens to, who takes advantage of having a captive audience (me). I mean where am I supposed to go to avoid him? He then rambles on and on about crap I don't give a shit about. Why can't it be Muhammad Ali talking about how it feels to be the greatest of all time? Why can't it be Kanye West sharing whatever goes on in his crazy ass mind (diamonds melded into your teeth, that's insanity on steroids!)? Why can't it be Pamela Anderson (not elderly-Kid-Rock Pamela Anderson! I'm talking young-fuckable-Tommy Lee Pamela Anderson!) saying it's been a while since she's been fucked and why don't we just join the mile high club (she's already joined lots of times, but just offering to make me a member) before the plane begins its descend. Why can't it be Usher Raymond talking about why he married a woman his grandmothers age, totally lost his chi, dumped that senior citizen and is now on fire again? Why can't it be Hugh Grant talking about what the fuck he was injecting when he decided to cheat on a smoking hot Elizabeth Hurley with a two-cent-prostitute (to this day I'm still wondering what the fuck he was on!)? But no, it's the guy with the shell collection and the smart kids who are smart enough not to listen to a thing he says. So he unloads it all on me. And now, I have a throbbing headache.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

I have no concession speech because I never plan to lose

I'm competitive. In a totally unhealthy way.  I like fighting.  I like gambling.  I'd box a girl if she said she could kick my ass.  I'd whip a four year old at chutes and ladders if he called me out.  If I were a politician, I'd be the asshole who would never give the concession speech because four votes in Montana hadn't been counted and DAMN IT THOSE PEOPLE NEED TO BE HEARD!  I share all that only to say that I am having a tough time dealing with getting my ass kicked to my ex-friend L in the webcam vote.  I'm also shocked - 75% of you think webcams are passe?  Only 25% are pro-webcam (get at me!)?  For fucks sake.  Don't hold your breath for my concession speech.

On a totally unrelated note, I've decided Irish women don't get nearly the hotness credit they deserve.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Bathroom Paper Towel Guy Attitude! Really??

I'm a good tipper.  Correction, Im a great tipper.  I have no problems paying for good service and have never stiffed someone on a tip, even for what others may call poor service.  I realize that there are hard working people who rely on tips to either supplement their base pay or in many instances the tips exceed their base pay.  For that reason alone, I tend to err on the side of overtipping.

However, there is one group of people seeking tips that absolutely piss me off.  It's the fucking club/disco bathroom paper towel guy.  First, there is not enough room in most bathrooms when busy for an extra guy to just be fucking hanging out in there.  Second, I dont WANT a dude just fucking hanging out in the bathroom waiting for me to piss, even if there was as much room as Central Park in the fucking bathroom.  Third, after I've made the effort to stand in line, take a fucking piss, zip up, wash my hands etc, what the hell do I need you for?  Oh wait, thats right - I need you to hold the fucking paper towels hostage so you can hand me a paper towel to dry my hands and I should PAY you for that privilege.  I think fucking not!

So the next fucking time I'm in the bathroom, ideally I dont want to see you in there because Im capable of taking a paper towel from a stack and drying my own damn hands and we dont need extra dudes just hanging out in the bathroom while we piss.  But, if you MUST be fucking in there, next time rather than giving me the evil eye because I didn't tip you for a fucking paper towel, come to the urinal, hold my fucking cock for me while I piss, zip me up, wash my fucking hands, dry them, give me a piece of gum and squirt me with some cheap cologne from your tray...and then I MIGHT think about fucking tipping you.  Until then, fuck you evil eye giving bathroom paper towel guy! 

Out of curiosity, do women's washrooms have the equivalent of the bathroom paper towel guy? - chat via blog is working well now

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Blog Chat/Webcams

Thanks to all the blog readers for their comments, emails etc. 

I was excited about the gtalk feature built into the blog, which allows the readers to message me and vice versa if the light is green.  A few of you have tried, but signed off before I can reply.  If you message me via that feature, wait a few minutes so I can reply.  I think it's an interesting way of connecting real time with blog readers and I'd like to make it work.

A friend and I were having a conversation today about webcams.  She is of the view that the 'webcam era' has come and gone and no one uses webcams anymore (for g rated to x rated purposes).  I disagree.  I think the 'webcam era' is in full effect and it is one of the best technological innovations.  It does everything from bring families together around the globe, to allowing a spouse to talk with their significant other in Iraq or Afghanistan, to allowing exhibitionists to share the lords blessings and voyeurs to enjoy them. 

I believe in an America where the webcam is still relevant!  Your thoughts - Webcam era in full effect! or Webcams are passe like skorts (thank god!!!)?

What are your thoughts on webcams?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

He may be a packer, but he's certainly not packing! II

An interesting development in the Brett Favre saga.  Brett has now admitted to sending voicemail messages to the female Jets employee in question, but DENIED that the small dick pictures sent to the JETS employee are his. 

What does this tell you about Brett?  He is smart!  It's one thing to admit to being a philandering grandfather (and a hell of a QB), but its quite another to own up to having a very small tool and being stupid enough to send pictures of a mini dick to others.

Go Vikings!  And whats with this asshole Randy Moss, he cant stay the fuck out of his own way.  I hope the Buffalo Bills pick him up so he can suck dick the rest of the season.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

I am your favorite celebrity!

I read an article in a magazine a few months ago.  The article talked about a new industry - the poser celebrity industry.  It interviewed several people who are hired by your favorite celebrities to blog, send 'tweets' lol and even reply to your emails.  In many instances, these poser celebrities are not even in the city/state/country that the celebrity is in.  They are given 'topics' and an 'agenda' by the celebrity's handlers and are responsible for turning that into blogs, tweets, emails etc. 

At first, this seemed like a great idea and I thought that I'd put my name in the ring to be a poser for my favorite celebrities.  Lord knows, other than Kanye West (chi town, stand up!) who is just insane and therefore interesting, most celebrities are some uninteresting and predictable fucks who were either in the right place at the right time or blessed with some good genetics or both.  I could certainly pretend to be an uninteresting fuck and say things like "going to the symphony", "dinner at [fill in your favorite yuppie joint] was heavenly, "being on the red carpet was undescribable" etc.  In fact, if you're an uninteresting fuck of a celebrity, please contact me, I will be your poser double free of charge and will actually make you seem human and interesting.

But then, I got pissed.  Our favorite celebrities are lying to us!  Theyre not writing on their blogs.  Theyre not answering our emails.  Theyre not 'sending us tweets'.  As I write this, some poser asshole in little rock arkansas is pretending to be [fill in your favorite celebrity]. 

I know what people will say - 'the celebrities are too busy to respond to every email, fan request etc they get'.  My response - SO FUCKING DONT!  Rather than pay for some poser to lie to us via every online avenue possible, just dont fucking do anything.  Its not like most of us were used to being in constant communication with our favorite celebrities prior to the fucking internet, so it needed to continue post internet.  I think most people would rather not 'hear' from their favorite celebrity at all than be fed a bunch of bullshit and be misled into believing its coming from the celebrity, when it is NOT.  Stop insulting the fans' intelligence, you pretentious fucks! 

Lastly, your poser double cant do some of you celebrities justice.  Example - I want to hear from Charlie Sheen directly so I can understand what makes him end up in a hotel room naked with a porn star, flip out, end up in a hospital, have his 'handlers' say he was 'fatigued' and explain why he was helped by his ex wife - who (talk about weird!) was in the hotel room next door while he was probably banging the third rate porn star in his hotel room.  See, thats some 'all kinds of fucked upness' that I want to hear about from Charlie directly.  His poser double sitting in nashville tennessee just cant do that story justice!

P.S.  The next time George Michael blogs about hows hes in the studio working on his comeback album, just know that he was taking it in the ass in a public bathroom in Central Park while Arthur, an unemployed history major from Pomona State University (yes, there is such an institution) was sitting in his parents basement writing about the George Michael comeback album.  You gotta have faith indeed!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Red Bottoms to Enhance Your Bottom.

I feel obliged to give Christian Louboutin an 'atta boy' for the extremely well made CL platform pumps!  I know theyre not 'new' but those pumps have some structural integrity - I saw a girl today who had no business wearing them wear them and they did not implode under her weight.  They also have fantastic brand recognition - the red bottoms, I dig em.  Also, I credit CL with starting the heavenly 6 inch heels trend.  Although I wasn't paid for this endorsement (yet), I do believe every female should own a pair (or more).

P.S. What's with the women with the scuffed heels?  Take some pride in your mfing work! - you're now able to message me on gtalk via the blog.  If you have gmail and see the green light on the blog indicating I'm online, send a message.

Monday, October 11, 2010

He may be a packer, but hes certainly not packing!

Ok, so I became a big (although im not sure the words big and brett can ever go together again) Brett Favre fan when he joined the vikings.  I don't really care for the vikings but couldnt vote for favre until he was on some team other than the packers.  As you might remember from my blogs last year, I was hoping that Brett would win the super bowl.  Would have made for a great story.

Fast forward a year later and Brett has gotten himself into a pickle (pun intended). Seems Brett was leaving voice messages, text messages and sending pictures of his tool to a couple of Jet employees.  The thing is, did Brett the disservice of putting Brett's tool online.  And let's just say, he might be a packer, but he is DEFINITELY not packing. 

Here's what I don't understand, if you're Brett Favre and you want to bang some Jets employees, why wouldnt you wait till you get the into the sack to unleash little Brett on them.  Why text pictures of it to the women you're wanting to shag when you know that MOST women will realize, when they see little brett, that your only big gun is your right arm?

Go Vikings!

Monday, September 20, 2010

If the 'Mosque Isn't Built, This Is No Longer America

Michael Moore (
Michael Moore is an Academy-Award winning filmmaker and best-selling author

September 11th, 2010 9:40 AM
If the 'Mosque' Isn't Built, This Is No Longer America
By Michael Moore (

I am opposed to the building of the "mosque" two blocks from Ground Zero. I want it built on Ground Zero. Why? Because I believe in an America that protects those who are the victims of hate and prejudice. 
I believe in an America that says you have the right to worship whatever God you have, wherever you want to worship. And I believe in an America that says to the world that we are a loving and generous people and if a bunch of murderers steal your religion from you and use it as their excuse to kill 3,000 souls, then I want to help you get your religion back. And I want to put it at the spot where it was stolen from you.
There's been so much that's been said about this manufactured controversy, I really don't want to waste any time on this day of remembrance talking about it. But I hate bigotry and I hate liars, and so in case you missed any of the truth that's been lost in this, let me point out a few facts:

1. I love the Burlington Coat Factory. I've gotten some great winter coats there at a very reasonable price. Muslims have been holding their daily prayers there since 2009. No one ever complained about that. This is not going to be a "mosque," it's going to be a community center. It will have the same prayer room in it that's already there. But to even have to assure people that "it's not going to be mosque" is so offensive, I now wish they would just build a 111-story mosque there. That would be better than the lame and disgusting way the developer has left Ground Zero an empty hole until recently. The remains of over 1,100 people still haven't been found. That site is a sacred graveyard, and to be building another monument to commerce on it is a sacrilege. Why wasn't the entire site turned into a memorial peace park? People died there, and many of their remains are still strewn about, all these years later.

2. Guess who has helped the Muslims organize their plans for this community center? The JEWISH COMMUNITY CENTER of Manhattan! Their rabbi has been advising them since the beginning. It's been a picture-perfect example of the kind of world we all want to live in. Peter Stuyvessant, New York's "founder," tried to expel the first Jews who arrived in Manhattan. Then the Dutch said, no, that's a bit much. So then Stuyvessant said ok, you can stay, but you cannot build a synagogue anywhere in Manhattan. Do your stupid Friday night thing at home. The first Jewish temple was not allowed to be built until 1730. Then there was a revolution, and the founding fathers said this country has to be secular -- no religious nuts or state religions. George Washington (inaugurated around the corner from Ground Zero) wanted to make a statement about this his very first year in office, and wrote this to American Jews:
"The citizens of the United States of America have a right to applaud themselves for having given to mankind examples of an enlarged and liberal policy -- a policy worthy of imitation. ...
"It is now no more that toleration is spoken of as if it were the indulgence of one class of people that another enjoyed the exercise of their inherent natural rights, for, happily, the Government of the United States, which gives to bigotry no sanction, to persecution no assistance, requires only that they who live under its protection should demean themselves as good citizens ...
"May the children of the stock of Abraham who dwell in this land continue to merit and enjoy the good will of the other inhabitants -- while every one shall sit in safety under his own vine and fig tree and there shall be none to make him afraid."

3. The Imam in charge of this project is the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Read about his past here.

4. Around five dozen Muslims died at the World Trade Center on 9/11. Hundreds of members of their families still grieve and suffer. The 19 killers did not care what religion anyone belonged to when they took those lives.

5. I've never read a sadder headline in the New York Times than the one on the front page this past Monday: "American Muslims Ask, Will We Ever Belong?" That should make all of us so ashamed that even a single one of our fellow citizens should ever have to worry about if they "belong" here.

6. There is a McDonald's two blocks from Ground Zero. Trust me, McDonald's has killed far more people than the terrorists.

7. During an economic depression or a time of war, fascists are extremely skilled at whipping up fear and hate and getting the working class to blame "the other" for their troubles. Lincoln's enemies told poor Southern whites that he was "a Catholic." FDR's opponents said he was Jewish and called him "Jewsevelt." One in five Americans now believe Obama is a Muslim and 41% of Republicans don't believe he was born here.

8. Blaming a whole group for the actions of just one of that group is anti-American. Timothy McVeigh was Catholic. Should Oklahoma City prohibit the building of a Catholic Church near the site of the former federal building that McVeigh blew up?

9. Let's face it, all religions have their whackos. Catholics have O'Reilly, Gingrich, Hannity and Clarence Thomas (in fact all five conservatives who dominate the Supreme Court are Catholic). Protestants have Pat Robertson and too many to list here. The Mormons have Glenn Beck. Jews have Crazy Eddie. But we don't judge whole religions on just the actions of their whackos. Unless they're Methodists.

10. If I should ever, God forbid, perish in a terrorist incident, and you or some nutty group uses my death as your justification to attack or discriminate against anyone in my name, I will come back and haunt you worse than Linda Blair marrying Freddy Krueger and moving into your bedroom to spawn Chucky. John Lennon was right when he asked us to imagine a world with "nothing to kill or die for and no religion, too." I heard Deepak Chopra this week say that "God gave humans the truth, and the devil came and he said, 'Let's give it a name and call it religion.' " But John Adams said it best when he wrote a sort of letter to the future (which he called "Posterity"): "Posterity! You will never know how much it cost the present Generation to preserve your Freedom! I hope you will make a good use of it. If you do not, I shall repent in Heaven that I ever took half the Pains to preserve it." I'm guessing ol' John Adams is up there repenting nonstop right now.
Friends, we all have a responsibility NOW to make sure that Muslim community center gets built. Once again, 70% of the country (the same number that initially supported the Iraq War) is on the wrong side and want the "mosque" moved. Enormous pressure has been put on the Imam to stop his project. We have to turn this thing around. Are we going to let the bullies and thugs win another one? Aren't you fed up by now? When would be a good time to take our country back from the haters?
I say right now. Let's each of us make a statement by donating to the building of this community center! It's a nonprofit, tax-exempt organization and you can donate a dollar or ten dollars (or more) right now through a secure pay pal account by clicking here. I will personally match the first $10,000 raised (forward your PayPal receipt to If each one of you reading this blog/email donated just a couple of dollars, that would give the center over $6 million, more than what Donald Trump has offered to buy the Imam out. C'mon everyone, let's pitch in and help those who are being debased for simply wanting to do something good. We could all make a huge statement of love on this solemn day.
I lost a co-worker on 9/11. I write this today in his memory.

"The man who speaks of the enemy / Is the enemy himself."

-- Bertolt Brecht

Monday, September 13, 2010

Comcast, can you please stop fucking me in the ass?!

I hate Comcast and the customer service assholes who work there. 

Comcast has benefited for far too long from the lack of any real competition.  This has allowed them to raise their rates sky high, provide shitty customer service and rape all their customers without any repercussions.

Unlike most 'normal' service providers, Comcast does not even give a fuck if you say you'll cancel your service.  They are so used to being the 800 pound gorilla, they basically tell you to fuck off if you complain about their service or threaten to take your business elsewhere.  It's like their customer service training consists of being told - 'look, we're the only show in town.  If some asshole is stupid enough to go elsewhere, he'll come crawling right back, so tell those disgruntled customers they can fuck right off'

Comcast flies in the face of my theory and experience that businesses that have shitty customer service dont last.  I've seen it time and again that eventually places with shitty customer service/product go out of business.  Somehow, Comcast is not subject to the same rules and realities as other businesses.  They can be high priced, provide shitty customer service and continue to fluorish.

To that I say, fuck you comcast!  Get your dick out of my asshole, its sore from years of you fucking me in the ass.  I'm canceling my service tonight. 

While it wont change my mind - are there any people out there who have had good experiences with Comcast?  Feel free to share your I hate comcast stories as well.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Say What!

Rick Pitino, the college basketball coach, had an affair which  has since turned into a Jerry Springer like circus, including an extortion attempt by the woman he fucked in a restaurant after it closed.  During the testimony in the extortion case, Rick testified that the encounter (aka fuck) lasted fifteen seconds, then he pulled out and came down his own leg. 

Theres so much wrong with this story that I dont even know where to start.  But...fifteen seconds?  Really Rick?!  I mean, fucking lie on the stand and risk perjury charges rather than tell the whole world you lasted fifteen seconds.  Fifteen just made premature ejaculators look like porn stars.  Shameful!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Wyclef for President!

Wyclef Jean, the rapper/musician/producer, registered to run for the president of Haiti and was recently officially barred from running because he did not meet the 5 year residency requirement.  While the outcome is correct since he did not meet the requirements to run, I'm disappointed that he was not able to run.

The reason is simple.  Wyclef has money.  He doesnt need to be the president of Haiti so he can loot the country and the earthquake aid and line his own pockets.  Without that need or greed for money, I believe he would have made a genuine effort to use the international aid to improve the situation for Haiti and its citizens.  I also believe Wyclef could have brought moderate amounts of foreign investment to Haiti, as he planned.

While unfortunately Wyclef will not run for president this year, and I hope that whoever is ultimately elected does a fantastic job because Haiti and Haitians deserve it, I believe that this sets a model for elections in third world countries.  The reality is that the persons elected to run these countries are not qualified to do so (neither was George Dubya!), so why not elect a folk hero who has a large amount of money of his/her own so that they can at least take away the element of looting, corruption and stealing that seems to be the first item on the agenda of leaders of many third world countries. 

By way of example - Manny Pacquiao (the boxer) is a living legend in the Philippines.  This year, he was elected to the 'congress' in that country.  Manny is filthy rich.  He has also shown himself to be generous to a fault and very very dedicated to his country.  What if Manny was the president of the Philippines?  Would the citizens of the Philippines be better off than they are now?  Could they possibly be worse off?

Wyclef for the next election.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

There but for the grace of god go I...

Today I overheard someone say "Im not giving money for Pakistan, I'm not funding those terrorists."  I was stunned.  While I'm sure this person isn't the only one who has this view, I was actually saddened FOR her, rather than by her.  What depraved state of humanity must a person reach to think it is NOT the right answer to provide relief for other human beings in their time of dire need? 

1/5th of Pakistan is under water.  The rain continues.  When the flooding deaths stop, the disease (cholera etc) deaths will start.  The world will lose alot of poor innocent people - children, women and men.  The majority of them were suffering long before the rains came - from poverty, from malnourishment, from illnesses, from illiteracy, from terrorists, from the corrupt governments that have ruled them for decades.  15 million people are affected - this is worse than the South Asia tsunami and the Haiti earthquake.    

The affected people in Pakistan are not all terrorists.  They're human beings like us.  Punishing millions of innocent people for the sins of a micro minority of a religion or a nationality is wrong.  It is against everything that makes this country great.  It is against everything that makes me so proud to be american.  That could me.  It could be you.  It could be our loved ones desparate for food, for shelter, for medicine, for caring, for love, for help. 

The following is a Yahoo page regarding the situation in Pakistan  At a minimum, I encourage you to read it.  Afterwards, I encourage you to donate to one of the charities listed on the page if you find it in your heart to do so.  This is our chance to make a difference, to impact lives.  Literally.

There is only one race, the human race.  Let's love it like we love ourselves.  One world.

There but for the grace of god go we.  Indeed.


Sunday, July 25, 2010

We'll have a party of all lefties screaming out all right

Greetings.  An interesting 'fact' has recently come to my attention and I thought I'd blog about it and solicit comments/input.  Actually, it didnt literally just come to my attention but after having several of the same deja vu experiences, I put 2 and 2 together.

While we men are simple minded creatures and love all breasts equally, I've had several experiences where women have said they think one of their breasts looks better than the other.  Being male, I initially wrote it off as women being overly critical of their bodies, but the last time it happened I paid attention (honestly, the only reason I did was because I already knew there was going to be no sex that night) and lo and behold - I could see it!!!

While slight, there was a difference in size, in fullness and dammit, I also began to like her left one better than the right one!  What was even more interesting was that during sex after I came to this realization, whether with her right hand or left hand, she always played with the left one and never the right one. 

Setting aside the issue of the inferiority complex her right breast might have, I thought back to other times when women have in passing mentioned they like one better the other and began to wonder - other than those women who are blessed with perfectly identical breasts, do other women have a preference?  If you do, why?  Is it size? shape? responsiveness? 

I'd be interested in female comments - is this in fact a general view of women or did I just happen to run into a handful of women who discriminate against one of their breasts?  I'm conducting an informal poll, respond to it by commenting on this blog - 1.  Do you have a preference?  2. If you do, on what basis?  3.  Have men noticed the difference independently of you talking about it?  4.  Can I come over and see the difference for myself?

P.S. To answer Michelle's 'why' question - I have absolutely no idea why someone tried to get my blog shut down.  I suppose I've said enough things here to have offended most people one day or another.  But if Blogger would shut me down based on what I say, then this isnt the right forum for me anyways.  Im anti-censorship.

P.S.2 Agree with Rob's comment regarding the last world cup.  But don't feel bad - the stooges from France made England's team look normal and together.

P.S.3  Laney, fight the power!  If more women became comfortable with their sexuality, 'society' would change its expectations of women.  It would be slow, but it would happen.  Now that's change you can believe in!

Sunday, July 18, 2010


Why are women still lying about their number of sexual partners in 2010?

Why is heavyweight boxing absolute garbage to the point where the lame Klitschko brothers hold belts?

Why is BP fucking up the entire Gulf with no real consequences?  The environmental disaster caused is going to impact generations to come. 

Why are we missing lil wayne so much while he does his time?

Why is Fidel Castro back on the scene?

Why cant we repeal the second amendment and save thousands of innocents?

Why did Holland give away the World Cup?

Why cant baseball have more Carlos Zambranos so people care to watch it?

Why am I rooting against the 'lets buy a championship' Heat the same way I do against the Yankees?

Why isnt everyone loving the chat in email google feature as much as I do?

Why arent all women doing their breast exams?

Why is pancreatic cancer the most deadly form of cancer and has the least funding?

Why are vuvuzelas going to take over all sporting events?

Why cant they legalize marijuana and make cigarettes illegal?  Seems like a fair trade.

Why am I an insomniac?

Why did half the Utah Jazz roster sign with the bulls?

Why does Dos Equis have the coolest commercials on tv with 'the most interesting man in the world'?

Why am I glad Oprah is retiring?

Why wear granny panties with white pants?  Thats all kinds of wrong.

Why is 'thick' slowly becoming just plain old 'fat'?

Why are there lurkers checking out packages in gym locker rooms?

Why in the world do people move from California?  Especially SoCal.

Lastly, why are we particularly loving the bikinis, tans and tan lines this summer? 

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Please allow me to reintroduce myself!

I'm back.  It seems jealousy truly does breed contempt.  Some insecure eunuch was so cyber obsessed that the stalker tried to have the blog shut down. 

You cant stop the rain, you cant stop the kid, and therefore.... you cant stop the blog!

Back to business.

Thursday, July 8, 2010


Today, I had to fire someone. I had been avoiding it for a year. I told him numerous times to not put me in a position where Id have to do something we would both not be happy with. He just couldnt help himself. He refused to address the performance issues that numerous people highlighted. What sucks is that im out of town on a project and had to fire him by phone. He cried. Not cool.

On a separate note, IT remotely accessed my computer because it keeps crashing. Mr. IT, after recommending stupid things like rebooting and not keeping so many screens open (what are you the fucking screen police? or IT?), he proceeds to tell me that my computer is "all ready to go." After spending an hour on the phone with this idiot, listening to his stupid suggestions, and then being told its fixed, the computer crashed the second I began to use it. I am convinced my company has the worst tech support on the planet.

In other news, Lindsey Lohan is going to jail. Good! Talk about long overdue.

I'm told that my blog doesn't exist online anymore. I see it, but others dont. I guess I'm talking to an audience of one.

Whats with the girls who stop giving head the second you start cumming? Finish your job!

Apple is the greatest company in the world and Steve Jobs is a genius.

Today one of my colleagues went into a detailed discussion about their dental history and veneers. I mean...seriously? I couldnt even fake caring like I usually do. I was so bored I wanted to impale myself.

I wont consider this blog to have 'arrived' until we have a regular tranny reader and contributor. Is that too much to ask?

There's alot of Asians. I dont mean just in China. Anywhere in the world you go, there are a hell of a lot of asians. I dont think the hispanics should celebrate being on their way to having greater numbers than the caucasians quite yet, the chinese are going to blow everyone away.

Id like to slap my neighbor. Its a woman.

Germany is out of the world cup. Fuck em!

Sunday, July 4, 2010

Football Final Four & Fleshlights

What is going on in the World Cup? My teams (Brazil and Argentina) are out. Not only are they out, they both got whipped in their final games. A final four of Germany, Spain, Uruguay and Netherlands? Who would have predicted those four. While I will miss the attention (positive and negative) that Diego Maradona brought to the world cup and am extremely disappointed that Lionel Messi did not shine in the Cup like I thought he would, I am going with Uruguay for the Cup. They are the longest shot left, but why the hell not given the upsets that have already happened. I note that I think the Germans are playing fantastic team soccer, but I want the dark horse (uruguay) to take it. Who is your pick to win it?

Anyone know what the fleshlight is? If you dont, google it. I'm a little upset because I am actually the inventor of an earlier, more basic version of the fleshlight, but didnt have the presence of mind to patent it at the time. My version was simple, readily available and inexpensive - it was a snapple bottle. It was truly 'the best stuff on earth.' For a long time my snapple fleshlight was old reliable, until the day I realized I had outgrown it. At first I panicked, but once I calmed down, I let the rush of blood to the 'head' die down, extracted my tool and retired the snapple fleshlight. And now, these fn assholes from 'fleshlight' are profiting from my idea. And guys, dont judge me, I know all of you have stuck your organ in all sorts of holes that you'd never tell your women/woman about.

P.S. I hate 'friends' who disappear when they have some cock/pussy in their life and come running back when it doesnt work out.

P.P.S. I received a picture from a blog reader who wanted me to post it and have the readers vote on whether she should 'reup' her implants. Once I figure out how to not only post the picture, but also to have a 'vote' I will put the picture up. Thanks for the emails, I read, appreciate and reply to all of them.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


I predict that Ghana will win 2-1. While I've told people I know, I want to announce it formally. KP Boateng (who has already scored goal 1 for ghana) will be the player of the game.

Michael Bradley (coaches son) being a starter for the US team is a joke. He shouldn't even be on the team, much less start. He's a mediocre player and a liability (yes I know hes scored a goal this World Cup but so what).

Monday, June 21, 2010

Gaga for Gaga?

Lady Gaga sucks. Seriously.

It's not her shit music I despise as much as it is her insulting our intelligence. The reality is "Lady Gaga" has all been done before. It was called "Madonna"

Let me state it clearly - Lady Gaga is actually a Madonna clone, with music that sucks far more than Madonna's did (and hers sucked too). What I found appalling is that not only is Gaga garbage, but she is actually making money for following the Madonna playbook. Wild outfits, provocation, use of religious imagery, friend of the gay community/bisexuality, over the top stage shows, in your face sexuality and shit music - all that and more previously done by Madonna. Only one could actually give Madonna some points for originality.

An open message to Gaga - just put out your shit music without the Madonna act. Kill us with your shit music, but your "wild, outrageous, provocative, controversial" act is insulting to anyone who has ever heard of Madonna.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

RIP Manute Bol

My favorite 7 foot 7 player of all time. Bring back the Bullets!

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Let's get 'er done!

Thursday night - Staples Center - Celtics versus Lakers for all the marbles. While I believe the advantages are with the Lakers (home court, Perk injured etc) I am keeping the faith and believe the Celtics will win game 7 and the nba championship. I believe the key will be someone other than the big 3 plus rondo (paging Rasheed Wallace!!!) delivering a meaningful performance. Kobe will cry and I will get the last laugh yet! Fuck the Lakers! Let's get 'er done.

Next Blog - Word Cup. A preview - Something is wrong with the ball, those bounces are way too big. Im glad spain lost, top tier teams that play like shit SHOULD get upset. Messi may be unstoppable. The Brazilians make the beautiful game beautiful. Goalkeepers shouldn't let in easy goals (Algeria, England etc.). I want some African team(s) to advance, Africa is in dire need of some good news. Christiano Ronaldo is a cocksucker and dives more than Greg Louganis - I'd give Ronaldo a fucking red card next time he dives - it is absolutely pathetic. That being said, there is far too much diving in soccer - its an epidemic. Seems everyone's diving but the fucking goalies.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010


Two years ago I put my money where my mouth was and won BIG with the celtics when they won in six games. My prediction this year was again celtics in six, but as those following the finals know - I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to even watch the game so I dont know what the hell happened - but judging from the score, Id say the celtics definitely sucked a fat one.

I still have the celts winning the series, although now it will take them seven games. A celts win coupled with the Blackhawks win which I called as well would make for a very good month of June.

Speaking of which, I guess third time is the charm for M. Hossa. Lost with the Pens, lost with the Wings, but wins it with the Hawks.

On a totally unrelated note, I'm really appreciating the new braless on airplanes trend that I'm seeing when I travel. Keep up the good work!

source: nba

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

The Games of Summer

A temporary post here, I will blog in detail later.

Go Celtics, Fuck Lakers!

Go Hawks, Sorry Flyers!

Who's with me?

FIFA 2010 starts June 11. Now we may not be in South Africa, but watching the soccer matches is imperative for real sports fans.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Heaven is Under the Feet of Our Mothers (revised)

First, I'd like to thank the readers for all the emails to I will continue to answer emails as they come in.

I read a quote that I really loved enough to revise this blog to incorporate it. In an article about Islam, a writer said that the Muslim Prophet Muhammad said that Heaven is under the feet of our mothers. When I read that quote today, I realized just how true that really is.

After the fact (because I didnt know the quote when I wrote the first draft of this blog), I also realized that my blog below was in essence my views on why heaven is under the feet of our mothers and what mothers do to deserve that honor. By loving, respecting, serving our mothers and acknowledging that we owe them a debt that we can never repay, we bring ourselves closer to earning 'heaven'. By saying that, I am not making a religious statemement, but rather saying that Mothers are definitely sacred.

Regarding mother's day, I've always been of the view that every day should be mothers day because good mothers make the ultimate sacrifices for their children. From the time they carry the child for nine months to the labors of childbirth itself to caring for a child, raising him/her, worrying about all aspects of their children's lives etc., praying for them, guiding them. And a mothers job is never complete, even when the children leave the home a good mother continues to do many of the things ive mentioned. We dont need Hallmark to tell us which day of the year to celebrate our mothers. We should celebrate them everyday.

While all mothers (especially my mother) amaze me, I'm particularly in awe of GOOD single moms, working moms and single/working moms . With all the responsibilities that go along with being a mother, when you also have to work and/or have no spouse to assist you with raising the child(ren), you are truly doing a herculean task.

I find it difficult enough to just work a job that taxes my mind and body daily, adding to that the responsibility and workload of rearing children properly is incomprehensible. I appreciated the comments to the first draft of this blog where Lils remembered to call her mom and strongly agree with Antoine's comment that mothers are modern day heros.

Let's appreciate our mothers and everything they have done and continue to do for us. While we can never repay them, let's spend our lives trying and get closer to 'heaven' by doing so.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

I'd rather be a premature ejaculator...

Than have to watch one more game where whichever team is playing the Lakers plays like shit. Since the Thunder made it an exciting first round series, the Lakers haven't even been challenged. In fact, the Jazz and Suns might as well just spend the entire game on their knees sucking off the Lakers. The Jazz played like shit and the Suns look like theyre trying to outdo the Jazz.

All that being said, I will vote against the Lakers every single game until they are out of the playoffs (or win the fucking championship - which makes me want to throw up). Which leads me to my prediction - The Celtics will sweep the Orlando Tin Men (no heart, get it?) and the Lakers will continue to get deepthroated by the Suns for another two games. That will set up a Celtics - Lakers championship (old school rivalry!). And in the finals, the Celts will win.

Now I know two things - 1. Readers will say that I've been wrong about alot of calls I've made (pitt penguins being the latest) and 2. Readers will likely think that I am choosing the Celts because I hate the Lakers and I would even choose a WNBA team (dont get me started) over the Lakers. 1 is true, but 2 is only PARTIALLY true.

While I would choose any WNBA team over the Lakers, I actually believe the Celts will beat the Lakers. While I also voted for OKC, Utah and Phoenix over the Lakers, I didnt (and dont) believe any of them can beat the Lakers. What I wanted was for those teams to extend their series so the Lakers dont get a free ride to the finals. Only the Thunder did their part.

The Celtics will win for a number of reasons, but three in particular - depth, experience and HEART. Celtics in 6.

P.S. Blackhawks to win the Stanley Cup. Will write in more detail later.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

An Orgasm of Odds and Ends

Lawrence Taylor - wtf! Raping a 16 year old? This is a bit much even for Lawrence. The good news is that this episode won LT a place on my "for fucks sakes, keep your ass at home" list

Speaking of molesters, that molester R. Kelly is a musical genius. He is on my guaranteed pussy every time music list.

Coke in Europe tastes like shit, But even that is much better than Pepsi.

I'm very surprised by the commentary regarding my last post about implants. No implant lovers? No implant defenders? Really? Where are the women who have implants, love em and flaunt 'em? Where are the guys wanking to the porn chicks with implants and wanting to know what they feel like? Where's the little blond vogued is talking about? lol

The Pittsburgh Penguins tied 2-2 with Montreal? What the fuck is going on! The archenemy Washington is out and now were going to fucking go the distance with Montreal?

How many have had the experience of jerking off so much in one day that your load is clear like water? I have, today. Im not concerned...yet.

Anyone tried to go to a normal website at work and had the "THIS SITE IS BANNED UNDER COMPANY POLICY XYZ - PORNOGRAPHY. THIS HAS BEEN REPORTED TO IT DEPT". I mean, wtf! I tried to go to this blog at work today and got reported. That should make for an entertaining monday morning given that I have a nice big picture of tits in the blog.

Congrats to the Thunder for making it a series. Agree with the comments regarding OKC, the future is looking bright. Are the Jazz really going to roll over and die? C'mon Boozer and Williams! And as always, fuck the lakers and that lil whining bitch Kobe.

Paging Sugar Shane Mosley! Shane, I want my PPV money back. You are a big disappointment. You fought scared, what is with the 12 rounds of feinting but never punching? No one wants to see that shit. You should have finished him in the 2nd when you rattled him with an average punch. Mayweather was so confident, he actually did something other than run and counter for 12 rounds for the first time in his career - he attacked. I continue to believe that Mayweather has a glass jaw (demonstrated by his wooziness in the second round after a so/so punch from Mosley) and any solid puncher (read Pacquiao) that hits him square on the chin is going to knock him the fuck out. For now, Shane - announce your retirement - you are done. However, Brother Nasim on 24/7 - you are my new favorite trainer.

Lastly, we crossed the 10,000 views mark on this blog recently. I want to thank everyone who takes the time to read the blog and contribute to it. It has been an interesting journey thus far. I have a lot of ideas regarding the blog and what I want it to be. Im also interested in your opinions/views and continued contributions. The blog is nothing but my ramblings without all of you. I won't sell out and accept ads on this blog either. Ever.

Until next time, embrace the porn star within.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Important New Legislation

(photo credit:

Several years ago, an acquaintance of mine paid for his ex-gfs implants. When he did, I told him I thought it was a big mistake (due to the dysfunctional nature of their relationship). Sure enough, 3 months after she got her implants, she broke up with him and started seeing another guy and showing her enhanced chest at every local night spot every weekend. I felt bad for him, but I didnt feel bad for him, if you know what I mean.

Here's a tip - if you have a dysfunctional relationship and are broken up every second week, and most of your conversations consist of calling each other asshole, motherfucker, bitch, slut, manwhore etc - probably NOT a good idea to spend thousands of dollars to turn her B cups into full Cs.

That being said, in the event that you were dumb enough to pay for your girlfriends tits and she ends up dumping you (not you dumping her), there should be a process by which she should repay you for the investment you made for which you wont benefit anymore (but every guy after you will).

To begin the important dialogue that this country needs on this issue, I will share my views via my proposed legislation. I believe that in such an instance, by law, the implants girl has to choose from one of three options:

1. The "Buyout" - pay him for the cost of the implants minus depreciation for the time he got to enjoy them and move on with your life.

2. The "Rent to Own" - Let him continue to enjoy the implants for a fixed period of time (years, not months). Once that time period is over, you are now the proud owner of your implants, title to the implants will transfer to you and you can move on with your life.

3. "Visitation" - For those guys who are going to miss the babies, I will be pleased to grant a visitation order that will allow you to see and play with the girls one weekend a month until they reach the age of 18 and are emancipated.

Friday, April 30, 2010

LA Fakers featuring Kobe Cryant (thanks for that one Jon)

I'm watching game 6 of the Lakers-Thunder series and while the Thunder are keeping it close they just aren't playing like they did on their home court previously. Theyre just a lil bit off, which is keeping the Lakers in the lead. I was hoping for a big Thunder win setting up a game 7 in LA.

As mentioned before, while Id love for the Thunder to win this series, my main interest is to have them stretch it to seven games and put some mileage on the Lakers before round 2 of the playoffs. Thunder just tied 61-61, intensity is picking up!

What I find sickening is that every time the Thunder get some momentum, they choose to leave Derek Fisher wide open at the three point line the next time down the court. Don't these assholes know yet that Fisher is capable of knocking down wide open threes all night long? Now I'm no Red Auerbach, but here's a novel idea for you assholes, GUARD DEREK FISHER!

I'm also tired (have been for years) of Kobe Cryant crying every time he touches the ball. This guy feels hes being fouled while he still has the warmups on in the lockerroom. He turns and cries to the referees whether he makes a shot or not. He hits threes and cries about how he was fouled. If you're the grand competitor you claim to be, grow some nuts and MAN UP! Stop crying like a lil bitch every time you touch the ball.


Sunday, April 25, 2010

Playoffs = Payoffs

We are in the midst of both the NBA and NHL playoffs. I thought I'd check in and share my initial thoughts with more detailed blogs to follow as the playoffs heat up. First, the NBA playoffs - the general concept is FUCK THE LAKERS! I wll vote for any team that plays against the Lakers until the Lakers are out of the playoffs or end up winning it all (like last year, which sucked alot). I'm happy to see that the OKC/LA series is tied at 2-2, with the Thunder running and gunning and definitely wearing the Lakers out. Even if OKC does not win the series (not very likely, but a small possibility), I hope they take the Lakers the distance and prevent them from getting much rest before the next series. So for now, GO THUNDER!

Unlike the NBA playoffs, I definitely have a favorite in the NHL playoffs, the Pittsburgh Penguins. While there are many good teams in the NHL, I love the way the Pens play hockey. They also won me money last year when they won it all. I am voting for them to do it again this year. They have just completed their first round series against the Ottawa Senators. They didnt play as well as I expected thus far, but seem to be getting it together going into the second round. While I am voting (and betting) for the Penguins, I also want to say FUCK THE WASHINGTON CAPITALS! I want them out of the playoffs and since theyre having trouble with the 8th seed Montreal Canadiens, I believe I will get my wish with the Capitals being ejected from the playoffs. To recap - GO PENS and FUCK THE CAPS!

Saturday, April 10, 2010

My Latex Allergy

Last night was an absolute disaster. My longstanding ''latex allergy" which made condoms a non-requirement with my gf was exposed as a fraud. For as long as I've been with the girlfriend, she's known about my latex allergy which is so serious that I absolutely cannot use condoms (which is good! I wasnt exactly seeking a cure if you know what I mean). Until last night.

That's when, in a moment of drunken stupidity my drunken former college roommate Lefty says, in front of my girlfriend (and her friends, which REALLY was not helpful) - "Dude, you remember that huge box of condoms you had under the bed" First, it was not a HUGE box of condoms, it was a box with ALOT of condoms. Second, it was under the bed, so it was conveniently accessible. College students dont exactly keep condoms in their nightstands, because they dont HAVE nightstands. My nightstand itself was a box with a lamp and an alarm clock on it.

So, here's where I made the worst mistake ever, and pretty much ended any hope of sexual activity with my gf for eternity. After an hour of glares and stares and that "well talk when we get home" look your mom used to give (well, at least my mom used to give me), we finally get home. The whole ride home, Im talking about how tired I am because Im hoping we dont have to have the 'talk' and maybe, just maybe, she wont kill me in my sleep and we can wake up in the morning and cooler heads will prevail. NOT happening!

First question she asked when we walked in the door was, "so, has your latex allergy ever resulted in you acquiring any STDs (yes, she really said acquiring like you purchase them at the store). Something in my brain said, "kid, go with comedy here, because you are a dead man walking." Listening to that something in my brain, I replied "yes, a few times, but it was never anything that a little penicillin couldn't take care of." NOT the response she was looking for. As a result, my night ended with "you might as well become a priest like your [relationship omitted to protect the innocent], because you sure wont be fucking me."

IT WAS A JOKE! My friends thought it was funny. Probably because they have a sense of humor!

Meanwhile, Im on sex hiatus. Well, with her.

Monday, April 5, 2010


Duke with the biggest lead of the game. I have money on Butler, so FUCK DUKE!

UPDATE - No excuses. Congratulations to Duke and the Duke fans. It seems the more I dislike a team, the more likely it becomes that they will win it all. Same crap happens with the LA Lakers. I vote against them every game of the playoffs and they have four championships (in the Kobe/Shaq era) to show for it.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Final Four

I have been wrong about everything so far, but here goes - Butler over Mich St and, as mentioned before, FUCK DUKE! Go Mountaineers! I wanted to get this out there before the games start, will write in greater detail some time this weekend.

UPDATE - Butler wins over Michigan State. Great game. One down, One to go. Go West Virginia. For sports fans, after the Duke game is going to be the boxing match Bernard Hopkins vs. Roy Jones Jr. If Roy loses, which most people are saying he will, it will more than likely be the end of a Hall of Fame boxing career for him. Worth paying for pay per view? No. Worth going over to a bar or your friend's house who is getting the fight, a definite yes. Roy Jones Jr. fighting for his career.

UPDATE 2 - Fucking Duke. Won again. This is absolutely killing me. GO BUTLER!

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Fuck Duke! (and the damn Cornhuskers too!)

Fuck Duke! I've been following the NCAA MENS (why do the women even have a tournament?
What exactly is interesting about watching four quarters of a layup a thon? I'd rather watch curling.) college basketball tournament. Other than Kentucky, my brackets are in worse shape than Oprah on the upside of her yo yo diets and I have no hopes of winning anything unless KY wins it all (which is still very possible). So at this point, I'm following the tried and true sports fan strategy when your team is eliminated - you find the teams that you hate the most and vote against them with a passion. In that light, I'd like to say FUCK DUKE! I've never liked Duke, its players or its coach and I hope Baylor beats Duke like Ike did Tina and sends them home. And if not Baylor, then whoever Duke plays next...

On a related note, fuck the Washington Capitals, New York Yankees, the Dallas Cowboys and the LA Lakers. And Floyd Mayweather too. I said it!

On the topic of sports, how many people know anyone from Nebraska? Unfortunately, I do, including someone I met last night. Here is what I dont understand about people from Nebraska - why is it that they can only talk about one thing: The Nebraska Cornhuskers. I mean, when I think of Nebraska, nothing even mildly exciting comes to mind so I can understand that the only exciting thing in all of Nebraska might be the Cornhuskers. Even the team's name doesn't exactly get one excited. But the people I'm talking about are not in Nebraska. They've been gone so long they've even lost the Nebraska drawl. In spite of having left the country for the city, and years later, they still only talk about the bloody Cornhuskers. So, if you're from Nebraska, for the love of god stop talking about the lame Cornhuskers! Get a hobby! Get a job! Watch some porn! Meet some trannys! Smoke some Kobe! Enough with the lame Cornhuskers, noone wants to hear about them everytime you open your mouth. I feel better now.


Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Confession Part II

I believe each of us have an episode (or more) in our lives that we would kill to do over. Mine absolutely haunts me to this day, is as vivid as it occurred this morning and changed me as a person forever.

One morning on the way back from high school on the bus (yes, I was carless throughout high school so had the privilege of riding the yellow bus two times each school day until I graduated), the bus driver had gotten off the bus while waiting for all the kids to get on the bus and be seated.

I was seated about five rows from the front. A girl got on the bus and was trying to get her bag under her seat (Girl 1). A second girl (Girl 2) got on the bus immediately after her and lost her patience with how long it was taking the first girl to get in her seat. Girl 2 told Girl 1 to move. Girl 1 didnt answer. Girl 2 told girl 1 to move again. Girl 1 didnt answer. Girl 2 then pushed Girl 1 who was trying to situate her bag. Girl 1 turned around surprised. Girl 2 punched her, pulled her hair and kept punching her. The bus driver was off the bus. Noone (including me) did anything. Girl 2 went ballistic on Girl 1. Finally, a student got up and pulled Girl 2 off of Girl 1, but not before Girl 1 was hurt.

After reading the above, one might ask - ok, not great that it happened, but why is this the one you would want a do over on? Kids fight at school, it happens.

The answer is, while everybody might not have known, some of us (including me) knew that Girl 1 was DEAF. She didnt move because she couldnt hear Girl 2 telling her to move. To this day, I am disgusted by myself for standing by and watching it happen. For not having the courage or the guts to be the first to stop the beating immediately.

At random times, I remember the look on Girl 1's face, the helplessness, the surprise and the pain. I hate that it happened on my watch. I sometimes have the crazy thought of finding Girl 1 wherever she is and apologizing to her for being a gutless bastard when I was in high school.

While Im disgusted by myself, by the event and it will probably haunt me forever, it also changed me forever. Since that day I have never stood around and looked the other way while I know something that is wrong is going on. Standing around and watching someone being made fun of, ridiculed, taken advantage of, bullied, stolen from, beat up is akin to you doing the same thing to the victim. Never again.

I've been in countless arguments, disagreements, fights etc because I've stepped in when noone else would. I dont just step in, I do it immediately. Some say its stupid, some say its dangerous, some say its none of my business. Through this process, I've also learned that getting punched in the face doesn't feel good, but punching someone else in the face doesn't feel much better. But I absolutely will not stand by while someone is victimized. Noone should. When good people don't stop bad things from happening, those bad things continue to happen.

So, although its too little, too late, A.F, wherever in the world you are, I hope life has treated you well and I apologize for what happened to you on a school bus on that January day while I watched and did nothing. I hate myself for it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Pepsi vs. Coke Update

I've tallied the votes to date in my Pepsi vs. Coke vote blog and Coke is leading 19-9. At this point, we can accurately say that Coke is preferred 2-1 over pepsi by readers of this blog. If I had counted both of Ash's posts voting for Pepsi 5 times, it would have been a tie! Nice try ash. New readers or non-voters, please make sure to vote here! Thanks.

Bobby Hull - Keeping it Old School

I know I've been mia for a little while. Work required me to do some travel where I wasn't able to write much. I am now back.

During this trip, I had the opportunity to see a hockey game where the Chicago Blackhawks were playing. I was sitting about twenty seats away from a box where Bobby Hull - the golden jet - a hockey legend was sitting. When the announcers acknowledged that Bobby Hull was in attendance, the whole crowd stood up and applauded for him. But as a result, everybody became aware of where he was sitting.

For the next three periods of hockey, I saw one of the most amazing things that I've ever seen in sports. The fans started passing Bobby their hats, jerseys, programs and any other thing that they could have him sign. Items were being tossed into the box from above, from below, from the sides, people were taking off their jerseys and passing them down entire lines of seats to the box. Bobby Hull signed every single item that was sent his way. I mean every single item. He signed his autograph on items for the ENTIRE game. I dont even know how many fans walked away that day with items signed by a hall of fame legend of a hockey player.

Why do I think this is worth writing about? Well, it renewed my admiration for the old school. Here is an old man who could have just sat in his box, enjoyed the game, politely declined the fans and most of them would have understood. He could have done what modern athletes tend to do, either refuse to sign or sign a couple of autographs and keep moving. But no! Bobby Hull is old school. The game and the fans were always good to Bobby Hull, and he was returning the favor in a way that only a grateful man could.

So for all the full of yourselves 'stars' (whether sports or otherwise) who think you're above the common folk and dont have the time for your fans. Dont forget that we made you! Learn a lesson from the great Bobby Hull. I'm a part time hockey fan generally, but after that performance, I am a full time Bobby Hull fan.

Let's bring back the old school.

Saturday, February 27, 2010

Oh Canada! and other olympic thoughts

Tomorrow is USA vs. Canada for the men's hockey gold medal. The US beat Canada 5-3 in their first match in these olympics. While Im voting for the United States, I was surprised to see them beat Canada. If Canada loses tomorrow, I view that as crushing for Canada and Canadians. Shouldn't happen, but I hope it does. Any thoughts? Predictions?

These olympics have really tried to build up the 'rivalry' between the S. Korean and Japanese women figure skaters. Get real! It's not a rivalry until you hire a hitman to break your opponents legs (reference Nancy Kerrigan and Tanya Harding from the United States).

Also, good on you to the Canadian woman figure skater who won bronze (after the s. korean and japan skaters) just days after her mother passed away. Good for you! The olympics doesn't have to create a pretend rivalry, they should focus on this woman's triumph in the face of tragedy.

Another story line that I've really liked is Bode Miller. This is a guy who fucked off during the last olympics when he was expected to medal in several events and brought home dick (if he even had that after all the partying he did and sluts he probably fucked). After being written off and not being mentioned during these olympics, bode won a gold, a silver and a bronze. Comeback story of these olympics. Bode, NOW you can party!

I love the Russian skater (Plushenko) who lost to the American skater in the mens figure skating competition. The guy is still upset that he did the "quad" and lost to a guy who doesnt do jumps. Hes taking it a step further by insisting in interviews that he should have won the gold. His personal website even called his silver medal the "platinum" medal until he had to take it down due to the controversy it caused. What this guy really needs to do is take the loss like a man (to the extent a gay skater can), quit skating and look for roles in movies as the villain. With that lame haircut and that face that I'm not even sure his mother can love, he would be perfect.

Anybody watch the woman's 'Skeleton' competition? - looks like head first luge to me, but who knows what the difference is. Is a huge ass a requirement to participate in woman's skeleton? Im just sayin...

On another front, do you have to have no cock to be in men's cross country skiing? I mean, if you're cockless, perhaps avoid the skintight shiny spandex suit. These dumbasses are probably the same ones who would wear a speedo to the beach, then wonder what all the snickering is about. Goes back to a recurring theme - everything is not for everybody.

Lastly, why the fuck is curling an olympic sport? In fact, why the fuck is it even a sport? If you have to bring your mom's old school kitchen broom to the arena, its just not a sport. Enough said.

P.S. Shaun White is insane crazy talented. He also joins lil wayne on my list of guys who would never get laid if they weren't rich/famous.

Sunday, February 21, 2010


Everyone should have at least one threesome so they can cross that off their to do list. After that, avoid them because they're too much of a circus and create too much drama. And never, ever, ever (never ever? NEVER EVER!) have a threesome including your significant other. I guarantee that if you dont listen to me and do it anyways, one of two things will happen - 1. your significant other will forever hound you with dumb questions/comments like "you seemed to be more into her/him than me", "was he/she better than me", "I bet you want to do that again just so you can fuck him/her again", "I didnt like being second" and other stupid shit (my experience) or 2. they will leave you and end up with the guy/girl you had the threesome with (I saw it on Jerry Springer so it must be true).

Therefore, take it from the Blogologist - Find yourself one freak who is like two women (or two men, or a man and a women) in bed and dont lose them.

Coming soon in a future blog - the separately disturbing trends of guys going to the gym solely to analyze other guys' packages (guys you know what im talking about) and too many follow up questions being asked during my confessions on Sundays.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Confession Part I

First, thanks to all who participated in the coke vs. pepsi poll. I hope readers will continue to vote so we can base our final result on a larger number of votes.

I've decided to do a series of 'confessions' via this blog. Some are serious, some are interesting observations I have about myself. In any event, they are me and never before shared with anyone. I'll start with two and will continue in future blogs -

1. I admit that I watch the ice skating portions of the olympics and I hope for slips, falls, crashes and other fuck ups.

2. I used to work for a small company that did not have all the internet tracking and monitoring software that most companies have nowadays. While I didn't do it regularly (and Id definitely admit it if I did because I am pro masturbation), occasionally I'd watch internet porn and jerk off into my wastebasket under my desk. One night, while "working" late, I heard the office door open, couldnt react quickly enough because I was about to explode in my wastebasket, and my boss walked in. He started talking to me from the doorway about a project I was working on and I kept PRAYING to the good lord that he would not come any closer because my cock was out, cum was dripping into my basket and I had porn on my screen. Fortunately, he didnt but it would have been my worst firing ever if he had. Since then, Ive banned myself from jerking off at work, which leads to alot of wanking in the car.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Pepsi vs. Coke - Vote

I've always been curious about what the general public prefers - pepsi or coke. So I'd like to put it to a vote - by commenting on this posting, please choose your preference - pepsi or coke. There are only two choices, pepsi or coke, no diet, no cherry, no anything else. Just Pepsi or Coke. Thanks in advance for participating in this poll.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

"What happens when the saints go marching in? they win!"

Ok, vogued out. I deserved that. I was confident, perhaps even overconfident, that the Colts had an easy win here. They didn't. That lost just cost me some money, which sucks, particularly when I thought I was in for some easy money. But, I give all the credit in the world to the Saints. They were the better team, they deserved to win. While I won't jump on the Saints win somehow making up for Katrina theory (on what planet?), I do give the Saints credit for a solid win and an amazing season. Next up - I'll turn my attention to the NBA and the World's game - the World Cup.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

You're either an activist..or you're an inactivist

As a follow up to a few sentences regarding the humane society in one of my prior blogs, I saw the documentary "The Cove" yesterday. Someone recommended it to me after reading my comments about the humane society and about people being desensitized to seeing disfigured, gruesome images of animals and being asked for money. The title of this blog comes from the documentary and I really like the quote. It is a documentary regarding the Japanese town of Taishi and the dolphin 'fishing' industry that it houses.

While The Cove didn't turn me into an animal rights activists (I continue to think human rights should take precedence and am amazed at how much people care about their animals, but how little people care about other people), it was an eye opening documentary that the filmmakers went to great lengths to make. I recommend that anyone who has the time to see it do so. I'd also be interested in comments from those who have already seen it or will make the effort to see it now.

P.S. Even with the possibility of Dwight being out of action for the Colts tomorrow, I am confirming my view of a Colts win in the Super Bowl.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

The Hangover

No Oscar nominations for "The Hangover"?! Who nominates the movies for the Oscars? They should be fired. Even Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles (god bless his soul) could see this is a major fuck up. I am boycotting the Oscars out of protest. Let's make this the least viewed Oscars ever. I hope Kanye shows up drunk and interrupts every 'winner's speech during the show. Bitches.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Fuck life...keep writing

The title of the blog comes from my muse for the day. This was my muse for the day's response to my excuse for not writing as often as I (and perhaps others?) would like i.e. I always hope to write more often, but unfortunately life often gets in the way of me being able to put my words in the ether as much as I would like. So welcome to - fuck life...keep writing.

First, an administrative item - I am now the 'blogologist'.

Next, I promised myself that I would wait on this until I did a full blog on tats and pierces, but this really cant wait anymore. If you have a belly button pierce, but noone can see it unless you're arching your back into a damn near back bend position - do one of three things (1) take it out, (2) get to the gym and work the abs like it was your full time job or (3) dont mention your piercing, so guys (or girls) are not like, "you do? where? I dont see it". If it cant be seen unless you're in a backbend position, its probably a good sign you shouldnt be talking about it.

What is it with the humane society ads? It used to be that those ads of injured, mistreated, disfigured animals etc used to move people, used to grab peoples attention and make them want to take action, show concern etc. But with the overuse of gruesome, twisted pictures, all it has done is desensitize most people to where its not a big deal anymore. People just change the channel and move on with their lives. Shock value has to have value. When it loses value, its just shocking and nothing more. The Humane Society and other similar organizations need to hire a PR agency and retool their approach.

On a related note, stop cruelty to humans! I fail to understand how the same people who are so concerned about what happens to animals, could care less about what human beings do to one another. Humans are injuring, maiming, killing each other at an alarming rate while the 'catlady' I work with has pictures of her 7 cats all over the office, gives them names, has their pictures and a dedicated site for her cats online, understands how her cats are 'feeling' every day (crazy! I know) and yet is an absolute asshole to every human being that has to deal with her a daily basis. Unfortunately, I'm one of those human beings. I am positive her cats cant stand her either, they just dont have the ability to tell her to fuck off like I do.

I voted for obama. I continue to believe he was and is the best choice for the country. I was disappointed in the State of the Union address. and I'm afraid he's losing support on all fronts. Unfortunately, he will not get the benefit of the tremendous amounts of patience that was given to Dubya. I'm still hoping for change we can believe in.

How many people think Conan O'B got screwed over by NBC/Leno? I saw jay on oprah trying to rehab his image. I think he failed miserably in trying to do so. He definitely came across to me as a self absorbed prick and thats in spite of the fact that Oprah may as well have been on her knees sucking him off - that was the lengths she was going to to try to help him out. Conan's last show was definitely a graceful exit.

Is the John Edwards story a Jerry Springer 8 hour special in the making or what? Well done John, I didnt know you had it in you mate. Somewhere, Tiger Woods is thanking his lucky stars that you came along when you did.

Lastly, super bowl. I've been asked for my prediction - Colts. I dont think it will be close. Im putting my money where my mouth is. Simply put, Manning is too good and the Colts are hitting on all cylinders. As an aside, which genius thought it was a good idea to put the Pro Bowl BEFORE the super bowl?

Until next time, fuck life - keep writing!