I'm on the road again. I don't like to chat on planes, unless it's an attractive woman who plans to put out when we land (doesn't happen as often as I would like). So basically, I sit in my seat, I read, I listen to my ipod, I sleep. I don't ever acknowledge those to my left or right. I don't even look at them, because I fear they'll misunderstand and get confused into thinking I might give a fuck about what they have to say and want to talk. Well it happened. I had the can't-take-a-hint chatterbox next to me while crossing the Atlantic. I heard about his dog, his job, his mother-in-law, his shell collection, how Cathay Pacific has the best stewardesses, how they don't make cars like they used to, how his kids are so smart etc.
To which I say, how come no one INTERESTING ever sits next to you on a plane? Why is it always the most boring guy in the world who no one listens to, who takes advantage of having a captive audience (me). I mean where am I supposed to go to avoid him? He then rambles on and on about crap I don't give a shit about. Why can't it be Muhammad Ali talking about how it feels to be the greatest of all time? Why can't it be Kanye West sharing whatever goes on in his crazy ass mind (diamonds melded into your teeth, that's insanity on steroids!)? Why can't it be Pamela Anderson (not elderly-Kid-Rock Pamela Anderson! I'm talking young-fuckable-Tommy Lee Pamela Anderson!) saying it's been a while since she's been fucked and why don't we just join the mile high club (she's already joined lots of times, but just offering to make me a member) before the plane begins its descend. Why can't it be Usher Raymond talking about why he married a woman his grandmothers age, totally lost his chi, dumped that senior citizen and is now on fire again? Why can't it be Hugh Grant talking about what the fuck he was injecting when he decided to cheat on a smoking hot Elizabeth Hurley with a two-cent-prostitute (to this day I'm still wondering what the fuck he was on!)? But no, it's the guy with the shell collection and the smart kids who are smart enough not to listen to a thing he says. So he unloads it all on me. And now, I have a throbbing headache.