Last night was an absolute disaster. My longstanding ''latex allergy" which made condoms a non-requirement with my gf was exposed as a fraud. For as long as I've been with the girlfriend, she's known about my latex allergy which is so serious that I absolutely cannot use condoms (which is good! I wasnt exactly seeking a cure if you know what I mean). Until last night.
That's when, in a moment of drunken stupidity my drunken former college roommate Lefty says, in front of my girlfriend (and her friends, which REALLY was not helpful) - "Dude, you remember that huge box of condoms you had under the bed" First, it was not a HUGE box of condoms, it was a box with ALOT of condoms. Second, it was under the bed, so it was conveniently accessible. College students dont exactly keep condoms in their nightstands, because they dont HAVE nightstands. My nightstand itself was a box with a lamp and an alarm clock on it.
So, here's where I made the worst mistake ever, and pretty much ended any hope of sexual activity with my gf for eternity. After an hour of glares and stares and that "well talk when we get home" look your mom used to give (well, at least my mom used to give me), we finally get home. The whole ride home, Im talking about how tired I am because Im hoping we dont have to have the 'talk' and maybe, just maybe, she wont kill me in my sleep and we can wake up in the morning and cooler heads will prevail. NOT happening!
First question she asked when we walked in the door was, "so, has your latex allergy ever resulted in you acquiring any STDs (yes, she really said acquiring like you purchase them at the store). Something in my brain said, "kid, go with comedy here, because you are a dead man walking." Listening to that something in my brain, I replied "yes, a few times, but it was never anything that a little penicillin couldn't take care of." NOT the response she was looking for. As a result, my night ended with "you might as well become a priest like your [relationship omitted to protect the innocent], because you sure wont be fucking me."
IT WAS A JOKE! My friends thought it was funny. Probably because they have a sense of humor!
Meanwhile, Im on sex hiatus. Well, with her.