I am your favorite celebrity!

I read an article in a magazine a few months ago.  The article talked about a new industry - the poser celebrity industry.  It interviewed several people who are hired by your favorite celebrities to blog, send 'tweets' lol and even reply to your emails.  In many instances, these poser celebrities are not even in the city/state/country that the celebrity is in.  They are given 'topics' and an 'agenda' by the celebrity's handlers and are responsible for turning that into blogs, tweets, emails etc. 

At first, this seemed like a great idea and I thought that I'd put my name in the ring to be a poser for my favorite celebrities.  Lord knows, other than Kanye West (chi town, stand up!) who is just insane and therefore interesting, most celebrities are some uninteresting and predictable fucks who were either in the right place at the right time or blessed with some good genetics or both.  I could certainly pretend to be an uninteresting fuck and say things like "going to the symphony", "dinner at [fill in your favorite yuppie joint] was heavenly, "being on the red carpet was undescribable" etc.  In fact, if you're an uninteresting fuck of a celebrity, please contact me, I will be your poser double free of charge and will actually make you seem human and interesting.

But then, I got pissed.  Our favorite celebrities are lying to us!  Theyre not writing on their blogs.  Theyre not answering our emails.  Theyre not 'sending us tweets'.  As I write this, some poser asshole in little rock arkansas is pretending to be [fill in your favorite celebrity]. 

I know what people will say - 'the celebrities are too busy to respond to every email, fan request etc they get'.  My response - SO FUCKING DONT!  Rather than pay for some poser to lie to us via every online avenue possible, just dont fucking do anything.  Its not like most of us were used to being in constant communication with our favorite celebrities prior to the fucking internet, so it needed to continue post internet.  I think most people would rather not 'hear' from their favorite celebrity at all than be fed a bunch of bullshit and be misled into believing its coming from the celebrity, when it is NOT.  Stop insulting the fans' intelligence, you pretentious fucks! 

Lastly, your poser double cant do some of you celebrities justice.  Example - I want to hear from Charlie Sheen directly so I can understand what makes him end up in a hotel room naked with a porn star, flip out, end up in a hospital, have his 'handlers' say he was 'fatigued' and explain why he was helped by his ex wife - who (talk about weird!) was in the hotel room next door while he was probably banging the third rate porn star in his hotel room.  See, thats some 'all kinds of fucked upness' that I want to hear about from Charlie directly.  His poser double sitting in nashville tennessee just cant do that story justice!

P.S.  The next time George Michael blogs about hows hes in the studio working on his comeback album, just know that he was taking it in the ass in a public bathroom in Central Park while Arthur, an unemployed history major from Pomona State University (yes, there is such an institution) was sitting in his parents basement writing about the George Michael comeback album.  You gotta have faith indeed!

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